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Monday, July 16, 2012

Worst Thanksgiving Dish Ever

            “Put that on the table over there,” Mat called over his shoulder, smiling in Lily’s general direction. Jean scowled, but did as he was told. After all, it was for his best friend. He was here as wingman. That was an important job.
            “It so nice of you to have us over, Mr. and Mrs. Piper,” Lily said, and Jean was almost certain she was turning her charm on. Gushing. It made him sick. “I was so sad when my parents said that they were going to be out of town. We usually have a nice family Thanksgiving too, but this year they’re helping my uncle, Randolph, with his farm.” Her voice dropped conspiratorially. “He’s having his fourth child soon.”
            Jean snorted, glad he was technically in the other room so no one would see his eye roll. He highly doubted her uncle was having the child.
            “She’s great, isn’t she?” Mat said in a low voice, joining Jean in the dining room. They could still hear the chatter of voices as his parents started asking polite questions.
            “Just wonderful,” Jean said sarcastically. He relented when he saw his friend’s star struck and nervous expression. “I dunno. She seems really intense. I mean, she’s in five million different clubs, and she’s always doing things. Was it last year or the year before that she visited Africa to help with schools there during the summer? And she’s always trying to raise money for orphanages and stuff.”
            “I can’t believe she actually agreed to come over for Thanksgiving,” Mat sighed.
            “I can,” Jean frowned, moving around his friend to get back into the kitchen. Mat caught his arm, though.
            “What do you mean?”
            “It’s kind of obvious that she likes you. I mean, the son of a doctor and a novelist living in a big house. You’re in enough clubs, even though no one can match her achievements. You’re team captain of the football team. Your parents are public figures, and they always donate to her causes. How could she say no?”
            “You don’t think it’s because of my natural charm?” But his joke seemed flat and he frowned.
            “Lily Connor is not won over by natural charm. That’s just a bonus that makes agreeing to come over easier,” Jean said apologetically. He hated seeing his friend so completely head over heels, but he also had no intention of tailoring the universe to fit his fantasies. It would be better if Mat knew right from the beginning what he was getting himself into.
            “Yeah. Yeah, you’re right,” he nodded, following Jean into the kitchen.
            “Oh, I almost forgot!” Lily chirped, her face lighting up. She was pretty in the way a finely crafted porcelain doll is. Her features were delicate and petite. Her skin was pale and smooth with a light dusting of faint freckles. Her hair curled into natural ringlets that shone in the light, a soft and unobtrusive caramel color. Her eyes were large and blue, her nose slightly upturned, her lips plump. Every man in school knew her name, but most of them were smart enough to stay well away. Under her delicate appearance was a girl of fire and steel. She was never known to lessen her moral perfection and expected the same from others. She was also so driven that even her parents had trouble keeping up with her. There was no doubt that she would be valedictorian and attend an Ivy League school, probably on full scholarship even though her parents could definitely afford to pay her way.
            All of this shot through Jean’s mind as he tried, desperately, to put on a smile similar to the ones plastered on the Pipers’ faces. Lily had won them over in a matter of minutes.
            “My parents absolutely insisted that I not arrive here without something to bring to the table. So I brought my famous tofu and soy cheese stuffing,” she exclaimed, bouncing over to where her bag sat on an armchair and pulling out a covered dish.
            “That’s so thoughtful, dear,” Mrs. Piper smiled, taking it from her and peeling back the aluminum foil covering it.
            “It’s a microwave safe dish,” Lily explained. “So you can just heat it up for about five minutes and it should be ready to serve.”
            Jean found himself taking the repulsive dish because he was standing closest to the microwave. It looked like the contents of someone’s stomach that hadn’t yet been fully digested. It was pale and lumpy with what could be rice but also resembled maggots. He swallowed, briefly considering accidentally burning it beyond recognition. The Pipers’ microwave oven was known to have temper tantrums and he was especially good at eliciting them. But no. This was for Mat.
            “Is the table almost ready?” Mrs. Piper asked her son. “Perhaps you could fetch your brother from his office.”
            “Of course, Mom,” Mat nodded, jogging off to find Ethan. Jean had never actually met the oldest Piper son, but he had heard plenty about the college graduate who was now head of his own small company.
            “How many siblings does Matthew have?” Lily asked curiously into the resulting silence.
            “Ethan’s his older brother. Then there’s Thomas, the younger boy, Sophia, the youngest, and Emma, who’s a year younger than Ethan,” Jean supplied, ignoring the fact that Mrs. Piper was about to answer. He felt a twinge of guilt that he was being so unpleasant, but he really couldn’t help it. The Pipers might be like his second family, or rather, his first, but Lily just rubbed him the wrong way.
            “Oh my,” Lily gasped. “That’s a lot of children.” She turned to smile at Mrs. Piper. “You must be such a good mother.”
            “I like to think so,” Mrs. Piper sighed. “It’s been hard, but I think they’re all turning out okay.”
            “Of course we are, Mom,” Ethan grinned, walking into the room and kissing his mother on the cheek. “Now, what’s this I hear about dinner being ready?”
            “Ethan and Mat are the only one’s home for the holidays,” Jean said in a low voice when he saw Lily looking around curiously. “Tom and Sophie are at boarding school and Emma is working on her final project.”
            “That’s so wonderful,” she said, turning so that it looked like she was responding to Mat. He smiled at her, nodding.
            “Yeah. It gets a little lonely with everyone away, but it gives me more time for my after school activities.”
            “It must be great to have such driven, achieving siblings,” she sighed. “I only have the one brother, Elliot. He’s adopted, and the same age as me, but he has absolutely no direction in his life. I mean, he isn’t in any sports or clubs and he doesn’t volunteer unless I really twist his arm.”
            Jean raised his eyebrows at Mat over her shoulder, trying to gauge whether or not his friend was as intimidated by her statement, or if he hadn’t noticed. He saw a brief, horrifying flash of Mat volunteering beside Lily, wasting his summer, and his weekends. She would take up all of his time, start micromanaging his life to be as perfect and planned as her own.
            He was saved by the chime of the microwave and removed the still revolting dish. Now it had a smell, but it wasn’t like anything he had ever encountered before. He wasn’t even sure how to begin describing it. Maybe lemony. Only there was also something distinctly Italian about the spices.
            “That’s the last of it, right?” Mrs. Piper said, smiling. “Why don’t we all grab a dish and move it out to the dining table?”
            Jean bit down on a retort about how he’d been doing all of the heavy lifting for the past half hour. There really wasn’t anything to grab, other than the drinks and the gravy. He was stuck with the hideous stuffing.
            “Shall we say grace?” Lily asked once they were all seated. “At my house we always say a thank you for how the year has been.”
            Jean froze with his fork already reaching for a slicing of turkey. He was stuck sitting beside Ethan, as Mat was sitting beside Lily. And, of course, Lily was across from him. That didn’t stop Mat from shooting him an annoyed glare.
            He barely managed to last through Lily’s long and rambling rant about how wonderful her year had been and how grateful she was to be in the Pipers’ home, partaking of their delicious meal. Then he started to pile his plate full of everything that was passed by him.
            “Slow down there, Jean,” Mat laughed. “Don’t forget that there’s dessert.”
            “I’m sure it’ll all fit,” Jean shrugged, reaching across to accept what Lily was handing to him. Then he froze. It was her dish. The disgusting one with tofu and soy and maggots. Suddenly it felt like every eye in the room was on him, watching, waiting. When he looked up, Lily was staring at him, as though daring him to pass it on without taking a serving.
            Swallowing, he put a spoonful onto his plate, but when he risked a glance up, she was still staring. Another spoonful, another. Finally Mat took pity on him and asked something about her time in Africa and her attention was diverted. Breathing a sigh of relief, Jean passed the dish on, furrowing his brow as Ethan took an equally sized portion. The older boy glanced at him and winked, a mischievous look in his eyes. Careful to be sure no one else was watching, he leaned closer to Jean.
            “I’ll eat every last bite if you do,” he murmured, grinning.
            “Deal,” Jean nodded, picking up his fork. He hoped it wasn’t a race.
            The first bite was hideous. It was slimy, covered in some kind of viscous sauce that had the tartness of a lemon, but also tasted cloyingly sweet. Once he got past that, there was the powdery, tasteless cubes of tofu, and some kind of melt-in-your mouth cheesiness that was far from pleasant.
            Beside him, Ethan let out a choked cough and took a sip of water. Jean fought down a smile and doubled his efforts. By the time he was halfway through his throat had stopped working. It was revolting against the alien substance, refusing to swallow as smoothly as before.
            Changing tactics, he started to disguise it with bites of the other things on his plate. Turkey and gravy was a good cover, but when he tried a bit of cranberry sauce with it, he nearly gagged. Mashed potatoes ended up being his savior.
            He was about to take his last bite when Ethan elbowed him. Looking over, he saw that Ethan, too, had his last forkful at the ready. Not breaking eye contact, they put the goo in their mouths, and swallowed.
            Almost instantly, Jean felt his stomach begin to churn angrily. He tried swallowing down some water, but it was not appeased. Nor was the turkey and gravy doing any good at soaking up the obviously poisonous substance.
            “May I be excused for a moment?” he asked softly, catching Mrs. Piper’s eye. She nodded, and he rose, gratefully. A bathroom was in order.
            He was retching into the toilet bowl when he heard a chuckle from the doorway. Ethan was there, arms crossed as he leaned against the doorjamb.
            “I guess we found out how she stays so thin,” he said.
            “How are you still standing?” Jean asked accusatorily as the older boy moved to crouch beside him, pushing his shaggy hair out of his face. His hands felt cool against Jean’s fevered skin.
            “I’m used to eating deadly concoctions,” Ethan shrugged. “My girlfriend should not be allowed near a kitchen. On the rare occasion that she gets the oven working, I’m usually laid out for the entirety of the following day.”
            Jean would have laughed, but another wave of rejected material was making its way out of his stomach and he doubled over again.  
            “I think that’s the last of it,” he coughed when it was over. He certainly hoped so. He felt kind of empty, in any case.
            “That’s good. Let’s get your mouth washed out, then,” Ethan said, helping him up and flushing the toilet as he moved to the sink to rinse thoroughly and repetitively. After a moment of watching, he held out a tube of toothpaste. “Helps get the taste out.”
            “Don’t tell Mat,” Jean asked as they headed back towards the dining room. “I don’t want him to think I hate his girl.”
            “Why would he think that?”
            “Because I do,” he shrugged. Ethan couldn’t say anything else because they were by then within earshot of the rest of the dinner party.
            “Where did you go?” Mat asked, seeming confused to see his friend walking back into the room. He had been so busy talking to Lily that he had hardly noticed when Ethan had left, and hadn’t seen Jean.
            “Had to floss,” Jean mumbled, sitting back down. His stomach twisted slightly at the sight of food, but he was starving.
            “Stick to turkey and potatoes,” Ethan said softly, leaning close when he saw Jean’s dilemma. “They’re easier on the stomach. And I’m afraid that desert isn’t a good idea.”
            Mat, of course, noticed when Jean didn’t accept any pie.
            “I told you that you were eating too much,” he taunted. “And it’s such a pity, because Mom baked these fresh today. Dee-licious.”
            “I’m sure there’ll be some leftovers,” Ethan pointed out. “Especially of Lily’s wonderful dish. I don’t understand why you didn’t eat more of it, Jean. I thought it was spectacular.”
            Lily beamed at the praise as Jean aimed a sharp kick at the person sitting next to him. Later, as he was starting the washing up while Mat said goodbye to Lily, Ethan joined him.
            “Sorry about that last comment,” he grinned, rinsing the dishes that were already washed. “But it was definitely worth it.”
            “Jean,” Mat said breathlessly from the doorway, ignoring his brother. “That was an amazing dinner, wasn’t it?”
            “Yeah,” Jean mumbled. “It was great.”
            He determinedly ignored Ethan’s surprised look.
            “I mean, she’s such an awesome person. I was thinking, maybe I’ll start inviting her over to Friday dinners.”
            Jean winced. That was a special tradition they’d started back in middle school. Friday dinner was just an excuse to stay up all night eating popcorn and watching horror movies or looking at pictures on the internet. It was no place for girls. Mat seemed to have forgotten this in his euphoric haze.
            “She even kissed me goodnight,” he proclaimed proudly.
            “That’s wonderful,” Jean said, trying to make it sound convincing. “So, is this facebook official yet?”
            “I dunno,” Mat shrugged, refusing to be put out. “It might take a few more dinners. I mentioned that she could come over any time and she said she’d make sure to bring more of her cooking. You wouldn’t mind coming over when she does, would you? I mean, just the first few times, so it’s not so awkward.”
            “Of course not,” Jean ground out, ignoring the way Ethan was struggling to keep his laughter inconspicuous. His face was nearing a shade of purple before unseen on a man’s skin and his shoulders were shaking something awful.
            “I’m sure Ethan wouldn’t mind being there, either,” Jean said, his voice turning sickly sweet. “I mean, I bet he’d love helping his baby bro out.”
            The horrified look this earned him was definitely worth promising away his stomach lining just to help out his best friend.

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